Life is one of those things...

The scene is a remote deserted island. A couple of trees and some rocks are all that populate the island. Save for two CASTAWAYS. The CASTAWAYS are dressed in rags and appear to have been there a long time.

TED – Looking pensive
…smash it against the rocks… again?

BILL
Sure, that would work.

TED
Okay. You sure you want to do it… again?

BILL – completely excited
Yes I do.

BILL takes the coconut and throws it at the rocks. It bounces off and lands 15 feet into the ocean.

TED – rolls eyes
Bill?

BILL – feeling sheepish
I’ll go get it…

TED
No you won’t. Remember last time. And the time before that…

BILL
I’m sure they aren’t there. They had to have left by now.

TED
Bill?

BILL
Yes Ted.

TED
The coconut is gone…

Bill shades his eyes from the sun and looks out over the ocean.

BILL - exasperated
Who’s ever heard of a shark eating coconuts… I mean really!

TED
I think the sharks are fishing for…….. us!

BILL
Why do you think that?

TED
Don’t you think it’s a bit odd that we keep finding freshly husked coconuts? If these coconuts fell from a tree, they would still be covered with their husks.

BILL – screaming out to the ocean
IM NOT COMING OUT THERE. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR NUTS!

TED
You tell ‘em Bill.

# posted by Duddadu @ 9:21 PM

Until you tell me to stop with writing these little stupid scenes, I'm going to have a bit of fun trying my hand at writing some honest dialogue. I hope you enjoy them!

The scene is a remote deserted island. A couple of trees and some rocks are all that populate the island. Save for two CASTAWAYS. The CASTAWAYS are dressed in rags and appear to have been there a long time.

BILL was a vacuum cleaner salesman on the way to a convention in New Zealand. He is 23 years old and has never spent a minute outside his home city of Detroit.

BILL – Very excitedly
I think I see one!

TED was a 43 year old, balding banker. He too lived in Detroit. His trip to New Zealand was for the express purpose of merging two of the small corporate local banks into a new diverse portfolio account marketing and acquisition firm. He planned to do this by… well he just planned to do it… He actually had no idea how he was going to do it. But his future depended on it.

TED – Bored with the stupid game, rolls eyes
Uh huh…

BILL
Come on Ted, don’t be a spoil sport. Who knows how long we’re going to be stuck here.

TED
I’ve been playing ‘Spot the wave’ now for what? 2 weeks? I’m just not all excited about it anymore.

BILL
Fine then. I’m going for a walk.

TED – Shaking his head
Bill, the island is 15 feet across! Where do you think you’re going to end up? Besides, it’s dinner time.

TED - cuts a banana
Here.

BILL – sits down next to TED
You know… these almost taste like chicken…

TED – dead pan
Shut up, Bill

Today’s Dino Rant will be a list of things that Creationists would like us to consider. Along side that list I will provide my own slanted comments. Ready?

· There is no proof whatsoever that the world and its fossil layers are millions of years old. – Nothing can be proven true. However, theories are ideas based on the best available knowledge. In this case, there is ample evidence that supports the Old Earth ‘Theory’ – Perhaps this should be a future blog topic…

· We are told God created the first man and woman—Adam and Eve—on Day Six. Many facts about when their children and their children’s children were born are given in Genesis. These genealogies are recorded throughout the Old Testament, up until the time of Christ. They certainly were not chronologies lasting millions of years. – It is a fact that the genealogies are written in the bible. That does not make them ‘Fact.’ And of course the chronologies don’t last millions of years. That is like saying a televised NASCAR race is not a million laps, when the screen shows 272 laps. Or something like that…

· Many fossil experts admit that not one unquestionable transitional form between any group of creatures and another has been found anywhere. – Ummm…I think the trouble with this one is the use of the word ‘unquestionable.’ There are many fossils that appear to be transitional forms. But are they ‘unquestionable?’ No… just theories. Theories based on the best scientific knowledge available.

· If dinosaurs evolved from amphibians, there should be, for example, fossil evidence of animals that are part dinosaur and part something else. However, there is no proof of this anywhere. – Like what? Half T-Rex half chicken? Or a Velociraptor with a salmon’s tail? Let us not be silly…

· The Bible tells us that God created all of the land animals on the sixth day of creation. As dinosaurs were land animals, they must have been made on this day, alongside Adam and Eve. – The dinosaurs had to be made on the sixth day if, of course, the bible were true.

· The Bible teaches that the original animals (and the first humans) were commanded to be vegetarian. There were no meat eaters in the original creation. Furthermore, there was no death. It was an unblemished world, with Adam and Eve and animals (including dinosaurs) living in perfect harmony, eating only plants. – Isn’t the killing of plants a death of sorts? I just don’t know what to say about this weirdness…

· The Bible plainly teaches from Genesis to Revelation that there was no death of animals or humans before Adam sinned. This means there could not have been any animal fossils (and no dinosaur bones) before sin.– Yeah, yeah, yeah… So where do the fossils come from then? Get on with it.

· Some people think that dinosaurs were too big, or there were too many of them, to go on this Ark. However, there were not very many different kinds of dinosaurs. There are certainly hundreds of dinosaur names, but many of these were given to just a bit of bone or skeletons of the same dinosaur found in other countries. It is also reasonable to assume that different sizes, varieties, and sexes of the same kind of dinosaur have ended up with different names. [It is possible. There are a few examples where errors have been made. That, however does not mean that paleontologists are so inept as to be wrong around 75% of the time.] For example, look at the many different varieties and sizes of dogs, but they are all the same kind-the dog kind! In reality, there may have been fewer than 50 kinds of dinosaurs. – Now this is just fucking stupid. So all the different breeds of dogs come from just one male dog and one female dog. Same for cats, horses, goats, and true of between 5 and 50 million species on earth today?

· God sent two of every (seven of some) land animal into the Ark—there were no exceptions. Therefore, dinosaurs must have been on the Ark. – Again, anywhere from 5 to 50 million (some believe 100 million!) species. Creationists explain this away by saying that all one million different types of spiders (and every other creature) came from only two of its ‘KIND.’ Then after the flood waters receded, the spiders (and other creatures) ‘speciated.’ That is a form of evolution. Okay, now we are let to believe that our incredible biodiversity only started 4300 years ago? If all this is true, then why is there no mention ANYWHERE of the amazing sight it must have been to see all these creatures speciate so rapidly. Here is some simple math: Let us assume that there is no mention of speciation because it happened really, really fast. I’ll give it a thousand years. Now the ark. I’ll be generous and say that the ark had five thousand different KINDS of creatures. That means that each and every year for a thousand years anywhere from 5000 to 50 000 new types of creatures were speciated. Does this sound a bit odd to you? Even if you double the time span or even triple it, the numbers are still just plain silly. Again, not one mention in any book of the bible OR in any reference in any culture. I think this is one of the fundamental problems with the young earth/flood story. While I’m at it… This city that is referred to in the pre-flood era would have had no one to build it. Cain built the city of Enoch. All by himself, for his family? Right…

· Well, what happened to all the land animals that did not go on the Ark? Very simply, they drowned. Many would have been covered with tons of mud as the rampaging water covered the land. Because of this quick burial, many of the animals would have been preserved as fossils. If this happened, you would expect to find evidence of billions of dead things buried in rock layers (formed from this mud) all over the Earth. This is exactly what you do find. – Sigh… That would mean that each and every fossil is buried at the same level in the geologic column. That just isn’t so.

· By the way, the Flood of Noah’s day probably occurred just over 4,300 years ago. Creationists believe that this event formed many of the fossil layers around the Earth. – OK, so if I get this right, the fossils we find today are from the time of the flood until lets say 2300 years after. (Roughly 0-AD ). I say it that way because none of the fossils that have been found show any species that could have been around after that point. Not that I put ANY weight to the idea of fossils being so damn young.

· In the Bible, God describes to Job (who lived after the Flood) a great beast with which Job was familiar. This great animal, called a ‘leviathan,’ and a ‘behemoth,’ is described as ‘the chief of the ways of God,’ perhaps the biggest land animal God had created. Impressively, he moved his tail like a cedar tree! Although some Bible commentaries say this may have been an elephant or hippopotamus, the description actually fits that of a dinosaur like Brachiosaurus. Elephants and hippos certainly do not have tails like cedar trees! – It is also written that the beast breaths fire…

· It is obvious that evolutionists don’t know what happened and are grasping at straws. [We don’t KNOW, but we can theorize with a high degree of certainty] The following is just a small list of theories: Dinosaurs starved to death; they died from overeating; they were poisoned; they became blind from cataracts and could not reproduce; mammals ate their eggs. Other causes include-volcanic dust, poisonous gases, comets, sunspots, meteorites, mass suicide, constipation, parasites, shrinking brain (and greater stupidity), slipped discs, changes in the composition of air, etc. – Sure… why not. All of those MAY be causes of dino death. That doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. All in all I feel like the purpose of this passage is to make the reader feel like all the reasons dinosaurs died are far fetched and bunk.

· If you remove the evolutionary framework, get rid of the millions of years, and then take the Bible seriously, you will find an explanation that fits the facts and makes perfect sense: At the time of the Flood, many of the sea creatures died, but some survived. In addition, all of the land creatures outside the Ark died, but the representatives of all the kinds that survived on the Ark lived in the new world after the Flood. Those land animals (including dinosaurs) found the new world to be much different than the one before the Flood. Due to (1) competition for food that was no longer in abundance, (2) other catastrophes, (3) man killing for food (and perhaps for fun), and (4) the destruction of habitats, etc., many species of animals eventually died out. The group of animals we now call dinosaurs just happened to die out too. In fact, quite a number of animals become extinct each year. Extinction seems to be the rule in Earth history (not the formation of new types of animals as you would expect from evolution). – And if you strip away anything that even resembles truth in the bible you get a spooky and boring ghost story. Getting rid of the evolutionary framework, including the millions of years needed, is paramount to supporting the bible. The biblical account is simply too weak to stand up on its own. One must become completely ignorant to believe the young earth biblical account. Prove me wrong.

I'm getting really sick of guys named Todd. It's a goofy fucking name, OK?

"Hi whats your name?"
"Todd. I'm Todd. And this is Blake, and Blaire and Blaine and Brent."

Where all these goofy fucking boys names comin' from. Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn. These are not real names! You wanna hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a real name.

"What happened to Eddie he was hear a minute ago? Jackie and Johnny and Tommy and Bill. Danny, Larry, Johnny, and Phil. What happened? Todd. And Cody, and Dillon, and Cameron, and Tucker."

"Hi Tucker, I'm Todd."
"Hi Todd, I'm Tucker."

Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks. And fuck Tuckers friend Kyle. Thats another soft name for a boy. Kyle. Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you ten times out of ten, Nicky, Vinnie, and Tony would beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker.

p.s. For opening my eyes to the world at such an early age, I give you 2 thumbs up. And fuck the FCC. George for president!

Here it is: my dinosaurs are very quite a lot old argument.

While researching this topic, I found it quite difficult to grab on to a good starting point. So I will start at the beginning…

Genesis 1.1 In the beginning….. blah blah blah…

By the way, when reading all this, remember that Creationists believe that the Earth is only 6000 years old. So sometime in Genesis all the land animals were created. (Pick up a copy of the bible to get the exact wording. They are free if you steal them from hotel rooms!) This had to include the dinosaurs. Now all the animals of the world are vegetarian, Adam and Eve are frolicking around naked in the Garden of Eden, dinosaurs of all kinds are lounging by the pool drinking sweet beverages with those little umbrellas in them… Right…

So some possessed snake slithers over to Eve and says, “Go get that apple over there and make Adam eat it. He’s horny, so he’ll eat anything.”

Adam eats the apple and everyone (animals included) are cast out of the Garden of Eden. As far as I can see it, Adam and Eve the start having sex. A lot of it. Check this out :

ADAM + EVE = Cain+Abel+Seth +Wifes+Wives of the children of their children… And so on. No wonder Adam had to live 930 or something years… That’s a lot of kids he had to father. The family tree for all this genealogy must be like a plate of spaghetti!

Anyways, all this goes on for like 1600 years. Then God says, “Fuck this! I’m starting fresh!” So he tells Noah to build a bloody big boat. He was told to make it 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits. A cubit is anywhere from 17 to 22 inches. So that would make the Ark about 450 feet (137 m) in length. The Ark had a gross volume of about 1.5 million cubic feet (40,000 m³), a displacement a little less than half that of the Titanic at about 22,000 tons, and total floor space of around 100,000 square feet (9,300 m²).

Once the Ark was built, Noah had to load it with 2 of every kind of land animal, fresh water for the humans and animals, and food for all. That is a lot of stuff. I wonder if all those animals and food and such would have fit in the Ark. Somehow I doubt it. Now the 8 humans had to deal with the special dietary needs of some of all the animals. I don’t know how… I wasn’t there. Also, Noah had to account for special diets, sickness, lighting, ventilation, temperature control, hibernation, the survival and germination of seeds, and so on. Somewhere in all this, dinosaurs had to have been included. Well those that survived the hunting and 1600 years of eating each other.

The dinosaurs that didn’t survive were buried under a deluge of mud and sand during the flood. The continents moved. The oceans deepened. After 190 days the flood waters had receded. Noah unloads the boat. So all the animals and people go off and do their thing. I wish I had been there. All the animals chasing each other, eating running… ohhhhhh the carnage! Think about it for a second. How did the humans survive the carnage? Dinosaurs, lions, wolves, warthogs, killer insects, snakes, cougars, rhinoceroses, hippos; all these are not happy creatures to get along with. UNLESS God took away their free will. That’s a whole can of worms I don’t want to open!

Now Noah and the fam get humping some more. Yeay inbreeding!!! Time goes on…

That is the history that creationists want us to believe. Oh sure there is a lot that I left out. But this isn’t meant to be a concise guide to why Creationists are misguided.

Check back soon for Part 2!

I’m all for equality of men and women. But I think I missed a boat somewhere…

The problem is, well, I just think there are still some things that are guy things, and some things that are women things and that's the way it was meant to be.

For example, I believe that men, and only men, should be the ones that give you the "Sports Stare." You know the one. We’re watching hockey or football or baseball or soccer or rugby or curling or backgammon or Tiddly Winks, and you walk in and say "Honey, guess what? I just found Jimmy Hoffa in our basement. I think we should call someone!"

And we turn and look at you with that "You seem familiar to me, but the language you are speaking is unrecognizable so I'm incapable of responding due to the language thing and also because that guy's Tiddly just got SUPREMELY WINKED" look.

Conversely, I believe that women, upon first seeing a shiny new engagement ring on another gal's hand, are the only ones who should jump up and down and scream like 12-year-old girls at a sleepover.

Call me old fashioned, but I just think that's the way the sexes should be separated. Then I read something that made me drop my Playboy magazine. Apparently, more and more men are taking up... KNITTING! Well, as open minded as I try to be, I'm afraid I can't stand the thought of this:

HER: Hi honey, how was your day?
HIM: It was just awful!
HER: Oh no, trouble at work?
HIM: NO, I dropped a stitch about 20 rows back, and now the cable is all off, and I'm going to have to pull it out and start ALL OVER AGAIN. It'll take FOREVER to finish this tea cozy!

But I realize I should be more open minded and I understand if there's to be true equality, it has to work both ways, so, I will at least tell my guy friends about this new knitting trend. I'll tell them right now ... I think they’re watching hockey.

Just for fun I thought I’d tackle the Moon Hoax conspiracy. But I changed my mind…

Instead, I found out that the Moon is going away. It’s packed it’s bags, folks. It’s had enough…

4 centimeters per year. That is it’s current speed. So go out tonight and take a look up. Do it soon before it’s too late!

I really HATE the term "preggers."

What is wrong with pregnant? Everyone who uses the term "preggers" should be publicly flogged.

By now, most of you are aware that I like to complain, it’s kind of a motif for me. Of course, this weird culture we live in gives us no shortage of things to complain about. So this next topic, like most good ideas, is fairly simple. It’s just a list of people who ought to be killed.

Starting with these people who read self help books. Why do so many people need help? Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, you eat three meals, you take one good crap, and you back to bed. What’s the bloody mystery? And the part I really don’t understand, if you’re looking for self help, why would you look for a book written by somebody else? That’s not self help… that’s help! There’s no such thing as self help. If you did it yourself, you didn’t need help. You did it yourself! Try to pay attention to the language we’ve all agreed on.

And a similar mystery to me: motivation books, and motivational seminars. Why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else? I say if you lack motivation, a seminar isn’t going to help you. What you really need is to be smashed in the head 30 or 40 times with a golf club. That’ll bloody well motivate you. Or at least it will get you up and moving around the room... You know, locate your socks, crap like that… get the day rolling. Motivation is bullshit. If you ask me North America could use a little less motivation. The people who are motivated are the ones causing all the trouble: stock swindlers, serial killers, child molesters, Christian conservatives! These people are highly motivated.

Anyways, I think motivation is overrated. You show me some lazy prick who’s lying around all day watching game shows and stroking his penis, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any fricking trouble. OK?

ps. Once again, I must thank the Mighty George for twisting my brain at such a young age...